To entertain myself on the boring-as-hell route on the Samammish River Trail, I devised a nice little list of ten things that I felt like sharing with all 2 of my readers...
Mile 1. 8:15: Weather forecasting in this city is a fucking joke. Granted, we live in one of the hardest weather forecasting areas in the world, but come on. The forecast on one weather site for the time of my run was overcast with southerly wind at 5 mph. On another it was for a chance of rain with a southwest wind of 10 mph. Still another site forecast showers with a 15 mph southerly wind. What did I get? Solid rain and 20 mph winds in my face. Very nice.Mile 2. 8:01: Answer a question for me: why is it ok for fat cyclists to ride three abreast on the trail and not ok for runners? If I didn't think overweight Cannondale rider would just run me right the fuck over I'd hold my ground, but I don't want to die just yet, so I give in and end up running on the very edge of the pavement to avoid getting mowed down. Also, why do these dudes (it's always dudes) think the jogging/cycling path is really the place to go all out? Ride on the road, ass.
Mile 3. 8:02: Running is stupid. No one should do this. We evolved and invented things like bicycles and cars to avoid having to run. If that stupid Greek messenger had a mountain bike at his disposal, do you really think he would have run 26 miles to Marathon? I doubt it. Fuck this shit.
Mile 4. 7:59: That mile went pretty quickly. I need to remember that the Red Hook Brewery is out here. The Colleague and I really should go there more often. MMMM nachos and ESB...(insert Homer Simpson drool here).
Mile 5. 7:49: The smartest thing I did for my running was to sign up for the Vancouver 'Thon immediately after killing myself in Portland. If Cap'n Ron called me today and said he was thinking about not doing Vancouver, I'd totally quit and get fat instead. I mean, two of my least favorite drones at the Learnin' Factory keep expanding exponentially, I would just be showing my support for their obesity. Yikes. Just thinking about the number of fat people I work with made me speed up to burn a few more calories. Still, those nachos sound GOOOOOOD right now.
Mile 6. 7:52: The turn around. Dear Colleague, next time I say I'm doing an out and back route, remind me that every time I do this I feel like I would rather kill myself than run back to where I started. Loops and one-way runs. Period.
Mile 7. 7:44: Barack and Billary were in Seattle today, and the first headline I saw this morning was "Obama Visit Will Snarl Traffic". Seriously? This is our biggest concern when the first viable black presidential candidate comes to town? Let's not worry about his politics or his campaign. How fast we can get from our miserable jobs, into our luxury SUV, to the home life we hate even more than our jobs? That drive home as the sole occupant of your SUV is probably the nicest moment of your day: alone, your favorite pop music playing, your cell phone glued to your ear talking to your buddy about how much you hate your wife for “making” you fix the garage doors this weekend. Why are you in such a damn hurry to end the trip home? Shouldn't you want traffic to get worse? I also decided something during this mile: Elect Barack Obama. Billary is a problem. McCain is a nutjob. Obama. There. I said it. Now we just need to get Billary to concede before they end up beating each other to death while McCain sits at home and takes his Memory Tonic and tries to hide his rapidly progressing dementia.
Mile 8. 7:52: I'm running too fast. Again. But it's cold and windy and nasty out, so I want to get back to the heated seats of the A3 as soon as possible. Speaking of which, for a feature I said at the time I didn't even want, the heated seats are by far my favorite perk of the A3. A warm ass on a cold morning is a small good thing.
Mile 9. 7:48: Uh oh. I haven't eaten well today. My stomach would hurt if my brain was still working well enough to tell it to hurt. I'll try some water. SHIT, I lost one of my water bottles somewhere. Grrrr. Maybe I'll have some Gu. Yum. Hey, where are my gloves? SHIT, I lost my gloves somewhere. Oooh, pretty bird. Is that a train horn? Weird. Sure is a nice day out. Dee dee dee. Uh oh. I'm losing my mind.
Mile 10. 7:37: I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. I'd like to be done now please. Hey look, my car. That wasn't so bad.
2 comments:
Hey! How the fuck did you get into my head on my last long run?
Have you ever thought about comedy rather than academics? You might have a chance there.... just sayin'
Cap'n
Mile 7: this might be the first time you and I have ever openly agreed about the best presidential candidate. I might need a long run to sort out what that means. Oh, wait. I don't run. So perhaps a long walk along the water and a nice pause to sit on a rock and drink wine.
Mile 10: Nice car. I wonder what it would be like if you could write about your writing in the same way you write about running. I would enjoy that.
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