Grade This!

To all of the teachers in the audience, I would like to present you with the following assessment sample. Please let me know what grade this student should get, and what comments are warranted, if any.

Question One: Explain why the following sentence is grammatically or logically flawed, and offer a revision to the sentence which does not alter the meaning significantly.
“There is no way the soldier could of known there was a bomb in the vehicle.”

Answer: I don’t really want to get into a question like this. It is too nuanced and frankly seems like an unfair question. Car bombs are not really related to grammar issues and I want to talk about how the rest of the class sometimes says things that don't sound like proper grammar to me. That guy in the front row said "irregardless" the other day and I know everyone heard it and I can't believe no one is pointing that out now.

Question Two: Who is the better contemporary author, Sherman Alexie or Nicholas Sparks, and why?

Answer: I know it isn’t the answer you are looking for, but I’m going to go back to the car bomb question here and just point out that you are asking questions about things that I don’t think my classmates really want to focus on. I’m new to this whole school thing, and I tell you what, when I sat down with the former dean of this department and asked him how to succeed here I was pretty sure that my classmates would join me in my battle against these written tests. You know where I’m from we don’t have to do any writing like this. We just sit down and we do things and we make stuff. That’s what this test isn’t asking me. So I respectfully disagree with ya on that one.

Question Three: Name three of the key elements of the modern short story and give examples from your reading.

Answer: Last quarter the guy I sat next to in my Sociology class said that he liked that film “No Country for Old Men” and I have to tell you its things like that that make me just so mad I could spit. I mean that movie is violent and bloody and sends the message that people can just walk across our border. And if that is what my classmates think, I have to disagree. He actually said that. He did.

Question Four: Write a short analysis of Billy Collins’ poem “Introduction to Poetry,” which can be found in your text.

Answer: I’m not interested in what the textbook publishers have to say or what they decide should be put in my textbooks. Maybe this just shows that I’m not from here, but one thing I have tried to do is meet with people and get down to brass tacks on main street and ask my friends what they think and I listen. I really do listen and I haven’t heard anything from any of my classmates, or from the college, about how we are going to break free of this written word and proper English regime we’re in. I just like to do things a little differently, and I can’t believe that you aren’t asking me the questions I want to answer. Why aren’t you asking about my classmates’ answers? Focusing on my answer makes it seem like you are just out to get me. Let me tell you why this guy sitting next to me has the wrong answer. He read this poem seven years ago and is still answering the question the same way. How can the poem be about one thing 7 years ago and another thing now? It just doesn’t make sense. But maybe I’m just so new to this class that my approach is a little different.

Question Five: Looking back on this academic term and reflecting on your own learning, what would you say is the most important lesson you have taken from this class?

Answer: There’s so many things, you know, that I think my classmates didn’t learn along the way. And keep in mind that most of them have been at this college for a lot longer than I have. Where I’m from and where I learned about life it was different and people have to understand that I bring that difference and I wear it on my sleeve and that’s not going to make people happy. But again, my classmates have missed questions on every test they’ve taken along the way. There’s a long record of their errors. They should be held accountable for their lack of understanding and their failed attempts at perfection before they start pointing out lies about me. This is the first test I’ve taken so technically my record is perfect and I can’t believe that isn’t what you are looking at. It’s simple and it’s true. I’m convinced that my grade will be the highest in class and not only that, but I’m convinced that my classmates have a long record of just saying the right things to the right people at the right time so that they could “make it” at this elite school.