What? It's 2008? Shut up!

It seems your hero left for The Garden Isle in December and, while the body returned, the brain never quite got wrapped around the idea of the mainland again...

This morning I woke up at my desk. In my office. At WORK! Shit. There are students and syllabi and books and all sorts of things work-related going on. And I don't like it.

Let's take a little sample of the In Box and the introductory emails from students this fine winter term:

dear Prof
i am machiko and need english class to take for degree transfer but have not taken exam to place in your class still would like to take your class for i know that you are finest teacher and i know i will do very wll. thanks you.
-littlefunnytoysonkeychains@msn.com

(Dear littlefunnytoysonkeychains: Perhaps Sweater Girl has room for you in her class. I hear she is A-Number One teacher. Have you seen her reviews on RateMyProfessor? Everyone loves her.)

GVB,
I just checked my grade from last fall and I see that you gave me a 0.0! You're a dead man. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.
Sincerely,
-DateRapeFan0931@yahoo.com

(Dear DateRapeFan: If I thought you had the mental capacity to find my office, I'd be worried. By the way, have you tried Diet Redbull with Vodka? It's amazing.)

Hey,
I am riting to aks if i can get in you're class this quarter. i really need an english class to gradate this quarter. i'd really apreciate it dude.
-seventhyearsenior@comcast.net

(Dear seventhyearsenior: Dude, of course you're in! I have good feeling about your chances of success in this class.)

GVB, I just saw Danielle's final grade in your class and to say the least I about as mad as I can get. I read her final paper before she submitted it and how in the world she could have gotten a grade that lowered her final mark to 1.2 is a pathetic joke. If you think I won't pursue this to the school's senior administration you are sadly mistaken, and I will do so if I don't hear what caused this by mid next week.
-AngryDad@jointhearmy.com

(Dear Angry Dad: First of all, thanks for the threat. That makes me feel all warm inside. Now I know why your daughter flinched every time someone dropped a book on the floor in the classroom. Anger management issues, much? Second, I am glad it is finally clear who did all of Danielle's work last term. You're a pretty good writer, but you/she missed a lot of class and several assignments. So, fuck you. Oh, and since you sent this email from your City of Seattle Police Department computer and official email, I have cc'd the ethics committee on my reply.)

Gotta love email.

Happy new year everyone. Only 7 days until American Idol returns. I thought I'd never make it.