I Suck. And Other Things.

THE LEARNIN' FACTORY
I am NOT good at my job. I know this because I am reading drafts of final papers from my research writing students. I haven't taught them anything. Not a god damn thing.

But I'm sort of stuck, because I've been pretending all term like I've been teaching them and now it is grading time. I can't fail all 50 of them, can I? Well, I can fail these ones...let's go to the In Box. As always, these are real emails from real students. Except the ones I've made up:

Hey GVB whats up i'm at stevens pass snowboarding and the pass is closed and won't be open until tuesday so sorry i won't be in class on monday thanks.
-Super Snowboarder

Dear Snowboarder,
I'm glad you are getting out there and exercising and enjoying the natural beauty of this area. It truly is an amazing place to live. Two things: one, since I don't take attendance and don't really know who you are since you never come to class, it was probably a better choice to just not show up for class. Telling me about it only makes me pay more attention to you. Two, according to the Department of Transportation's latest press release, the pass will open at 4 p.m. today, so GREAT NEWS! you'll be able to get home tonight and make it to class on time. Also, I've just decided that we are having a pop quiz tomorrow that is worth 75% of your grade.
-GVB

Dear GVB,
I keep checking the online gradebook and you haven't graded any of my work all quarter. I have no idea how am doing in your class. I have already complained to your dean and department chair. I expect to hear from you today or I will take further action.
-Grade Anxiety

Dear Grade Anxiety,
Thank you for checking in about your grade in Week Nine of the 10 week term. You're right on top of your game. And being proactive enough to see my dean about your complaint BEFORE you brought it to me? Awesome. A+. Oh, wait, one more thing. The department chair is sitting right here in our living room and she says you never contacted her about anything, so I know you're full of shit. Ok, two more things. You haven't received any grades this term because you haven't turned anything in. Don't make this about me you low-rent piece of - Sorry. I have to sign off now. My department chair wants to go to bed.
-GVB


Dear GVB,
I am a student in your afternoon class and my daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies...

DELETE


Dear GVB,
I was wondering if it would be ok to write a research paper on how much things have changed since my dad played sports in high school. He's like 35 years old, and it is amazing how different things were way back then...

DELETE

Dear GVB,
You're doing a great job with the class. You bring good ideas into the classroom and you challenge your students while not overworking them. Great job.
Love, GVB

Ok, ok. Only the last one is real.

RUNNING IS STUPID, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS AWESOME
You heard it hear first. Running is stupid. Training is kicking my ass. Mostly because I'm not doing any of it. 25-30 miles a week is all I can manage. Sucks. I've managed some quality runs, like THIS ONE in Port Gamble last week, but mostly I'm sitting at home watching Cap'n Ron run all over the damn place getting stronger and faster by the day.

I'll admit, there are times when running is the coolest thing I can imagine, like on the run mentioned above when I came upon a 1 mile single-track downhill trail without a soul in sight. I bombed down that fucker at full speed, whooping it up the whole way. Just awesome.

I'm on the mileage buildup plan now. Still a good 6 weeks until the Vancouver 'Thon. I can still make it. Time to start thinking about a realistic goal...3:30? Seems like it's worth trying. I'll still have to find an additional 15 minutes somewhere in Portland in October if I want to be running Boston in 2009. Lofty goal for a fat dude.

WILD HOGS!
Cap'n Ron and I are just days away from the 4th annual Joshua Tree extravaganza (also known as the 1st Annual Motorcycle Trip to Joshua Tree). 9 days of winding roads and backcountry. Ok, 2 days of Interstate 5 drudgery followed by 7 days of windy roads and backcountry. Rock climbing officially optional this year! One of the planned highlights? A 20 mile run in Death Valley.

OTHER THINGS

• As much as I hate to admit it, when given a choice, I will usually opt for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese as a post-run meal. It is just SO good.
• The Colleague Actually Updates Her Website
  
• I just opened a can of StarKist Albacore Tuna. It looks like actual fish. It tastes like actual fish. Which makes me wonder, what the fuck is in those "regular" tuna cans? Don't answer that question.
• I lost our Academy Awards pool again this year. I really thought it might be George Clooney's year, even though I hadn't seen his movie. Then we watched "Michael Clayton" and I understand why he didn't win. Clooney is like a really good long reliever in films. Solid. Likeable. Strong. Intimidating. But he just isn't a starter.
  
• The Ex-Mrs GVB is still a horrible, horrible person
• I'm about to cancel my subscription to Runner's World magazine, otherwise known as "Abs You Will Never Have Monthly." Seriously. Every fucking cover has a ripped man or woman with a headline like "A New Stronger You". No one looks like that. I prefer the Peyton Manning approach.