The Learnin' Factory 2007-2008 Preview

Woke up this morning and it was fall already. Foggy and cool, school buses everywhere, spiders in every sink drain, and an In Box full of "Welcome Back" messages from various ineffectual leaders at The Learnin' Factory.

So, after killing a spider the size of a small salad plate, dropping kids off at their respective institutions of public education (and saying howdy to "Too Old For MySpace Guy"), and purging my email, I have given in to the idea that work is once again starting. Here is my official 2007-2008 preview of the Learnin' Factory...

The More Things Change...
After ending last year with hopes that Pear Shaped Woman, Sweater Girl, and the MW's would use summer to get lives of their own, all early evidence suggests that the lame bitching and whining will continue full-force and in a variety of venues. On the plus side, all participants in the bitch-fest are at least 3 full sizes larger than they were in the spring. It's ok to skip a meal once in a while, folks.


Prediction: GVB, RPD, AW, and Math Dude, and The Colleague will get the pleasure of watching the world's slowest train wreck over the next three months. By the time The Colleague and I are luxuriating poolside with tropical drinks over the holiday, Pear Shaped Woman will be contemplating retirement, MW#1 will have alienated those few remaining people who think she has a brain, and MW#2 will be acting like nothing ever happened. Also, GVB will continue to hold a grudge over MW#2 for comparing me to the asshole who runs this country.

Get Thee Back to Kansas
Once this ridiculous self-study fiasco is complete, the exhalted leader will shuffle his 5'2" body back to Kansas, where he will spend his recent 20% raise on corn fed beef and shoe lifts.

Prediction: After lamely promoting a non-descript, feckless female dean or VP to Interim President, the BOT will hire a 75 year old handicapped black lesbian former Tully's manager to lead the college into the inevitable dark ages ahead. Theater Gal will not-so-quietly take over the college from inside her "Black Box"


If You Build It, It Will Be Obsolete in Two Years
Those new buildings sure are nice. Too bad they don't add any classroom space or public areas that students can use. The only benefit will be clearing the god damned Math Department out of Alderwood Heights.

Prediction: Five years from now I will still have the same lame ass office space I have now, while an over-paid computer instructor with no students to teach and no advanced degrees will have the entire fourth floor of a new building, with a private elevator and a staff of hundreds to manage his/her reassigned time project: "Creative Funding for Obsolete Faculty Positions".

Problem Solved, Problem Revisited, Problem Re-Solved

Complaint: We don't like A&W Rootbeer in the vending machines.
Response: Ok, we reduced the amount of A&W Rootbeer in the vending machines and have a plan for making the vending options more representative of the desires of the staff.

Complaint: Why was there A&W Rootbeer in the vending machines? It used to be that we had Fanta.

Respose: That change was made several years ago and you were given a chance to express your preferences at that time but did not. And in fact, over the last 20 years, we have changed rootbeer brands several times without complaint. This change is no different from those.

Complaint: It appears that there is a conspiracy to force Fanta out of the college. No one asked us if we wanted A&W Rootbeer. Those who prefer Fanta have been here for 20 years. Where is the respect? Maybe in the future you could ask one of us about what is best for the college's rootbeer needs. We have been here for 40 years collectively.

Response: I believe we answered the question as to how the rootbeer change was made and when you were able to be involved in that decision.

Complaint: This is a radical departure from the way soft drink selection has been made in the past. We just want to know how this decision was made.

Response: Errr. What is this really about?

Complaint: I'm old and not very smart and increasingly irrelevant and mean and petty and I despise people who appear to be better off than me and...

Response: Right. This isn't really about rootbeer? Shocking. Go away.

Blood Transfusions Work!

In the coming year, several new teachers will arrive at the factory and illustrate through example that most of our faculty here at the Learnin' Factory are terrible, terrible teachers who only have jobs because there is no real assessment of performance here.

Stop Hitting Me!

At some point in the coming 9 months, GVB will come unglued at a meeting and will tell Pear, Sweater, and the MW's exactly what he thinks about them. This will not be received well.