Back to the Factory

Spring Break has come and gone. I hope my students had as much fun as I did...Just as I was starting to get used to having the "out of office" auto-reply on, just as I was starting to forget the horror of the previous term, I had to face reality and fire up the CupertinoBookPro and get ready for the next 11 weeks of horror. Though I am sure this will be the quarter where everything goes perfectly and my students are engaged and deeply interested in learning about writing and critical thinking.

My InBox was full of wonderful news and joy. I stand to earn 15 million dollars just for letting the son of a wealthy Saudi oil man use MY checking account to store some money while he travels. I check my account daily. I also have several offers to cure my baldness AND my erectile dysfunction at the same time. These herbal remedies are amazing. The Colleague waits by the door for the discretely wrapped packages to arrive.

And this gem from Forgettable Former Student in The Back Row:

i read the syllabus and it said all major assignments must be turned in in order to pass the class and i did turn in every major assignment. beside, my conference was at 9:30, i came 10-15 minutes late and someone else was already in your office and i'm pretty sure conferences were supposed to be 30 minutes long each. i don't drive and i have to baby sit and work and go to school at the same time. that means my schedule always have to fit my family's schedule so they could take me to school, work, and such. but most of the time things don't work out. if everyone in my family have to work on certain days and are not free to take me to school, that means i cant go to school. i know you wouldn't believe this, but i can provide proof. i really tried to make it to the conference, but i'm terribly sorry i was late, but i wasn't expecting that someone would be in my spot when i make it there. i was also waiting outside, but people kept coming in and i don't blame them because it was their appointments. im also a running start student so i have to be at my high school frequently. what i'm trying to say is that it is extremely hard for me to go around and make it to school everyday. that is why i only take online and hybrid classes (eventhough the only place that i can easily be at to have access to the internet is my aunt's house). so when i actually get the chance to be at school to attend another conference, you weren't in your office. i also emailed you a copy of my draft and you said you would read it and tell me what you think but you never replied me so i had no idea how i did on my first draft. with all due respect, i'm just trying to tell you that i really tried my hardest. participation points are worth 10%, and i looked at the grade book and i saw that most of the discussions that i participated in, i got an above average score, so i didn't think it would hurt me that bad. i agree with you that my final paper killed me, but greg, i had no idea how i did on my draft. please just give me a chance, this class is extremely important to me. failing it also means that i won't be able to graduate from high school. please, if you want me to rewrite my whole paper, i will do it, just give me a day. only 1 day, i will do anything. i respect your decision but please reconsider this. trust me i tried really hard, but this is life and my background and my family sometime make it really hard for me. please, give me another chance, i really want to graduate in june. i will do whatever it takes. i just need at least a 2.2. that's all i'm asking for. i also tried calling you, but apparently you won't be back until the 7th, and that will be too late for me to do anything. if you have the time please write me back, or you can even call me. my number is ________. i have a story, i have hardships, and i have a lot of explanation, and i'm also asking for a chance. please let me know.

Yes folks, this is our student body at its finest. I sure hope her sisters and cousins are in my class this term!


As I liquor up for the first day of classes and get ready for my students to miss every point and over-simplify every concept to the point of using "Jackass" as a "perfect analogy," I leave you with this:

Introduction To Poetry
Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.