Al Bangorhard inquires as to my TiVO preferences. TV is a wasteland, he says. I'm a TV whore. I love it. I endlessly mock my colleagues and students who claim they "never watch TV" because it is so mind-numbing. Surely they're all busy consuming high culture and reading Shakespeare. Bullshit. TV rocks.
Well, that's not true. I suffer through live TV these days. In hotels I sit on the edge of the bed looking for the Fast Forward button ("da-dink, da-dink"). When I have the misfortune to sit down in front of a live show, I become painfully aware of how much time is lost to commercials. I think it's safe to say that without TiVO I wouldn't watch much TV at all.
Oh, and I like the little TiVO mascot who sits on top of the menu screen and waves his little antennae at me. "Hi There."
Ok, so let's see what's on the "Now Playing" list:
•9 weeks worth of "Survivor", which is only interesting when someone loses their mind, and the rest can be Super Fast Forwarded ("da-dink, da-dink, da-dink"). We know who won, so these will go unwatched.
•Sex and the City reruns from TBS. Because I love shows about blowjobs and STDs. In fact, this is how we refer to the show in our house, "You wanna watch the Blowjob Show or Survivor?"
•Reruns of Chappelle's Show, all in hopes of seeing the episode with "Ask a Gay Dude" on it.
•CSI Miami. Duh. Hot chicks, bad acting, worse writing. How can you not love it?
•Numbers. I am secretly in love with Rob Morrow. Sorry Al.
•Family Guy. Duh. "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"
•American Dad.
•Girls Gone Wild. Who ordered this? Oops. Delete.
•American Idol. I really don't care how much you mock me on this one. Elliott Yamin kicks ass, and I will watch his rendition of "A Song for You" as often as I like. Bite me.
•The Daily Show. The best source for fake news on TV. Plus Lewis Black.
•The Colbert Report. I'm still trying to figure out the appeal of Colbert, but he has some good guests on...
What is more interesting than what I tell TiVO to grab from space for me are the choices it makes based on...what...ESP? My credit report?
•South Park. This show stopped being funny a long time ago. But it's on ALL THE TIME. There are always three or four episodes waiting for me. I watch anything that heavily features Chef. Chocolate Salty Balls.
•MASH. Late at night, this show is still pretty good. I love their idea of a martini. Gin in a glass.
•Girls Gone Wild. Again? Ok. But this is the last time...
•A wide variety of movies and talk shows featuring any of the following: Jon Stewart, Rob Morrow (see above), Adam Sandler, Chris Farley ("Lots of people go to college for 7 years" "Yeah, they're called 'Doctors'"), John Corbett, Kevin Spacey, and others.
•And porn. Lots and lots of porn.
3 comments:
This seems like a reasonable "okay, I'll bite" moment:
On the DVR:
24: 12 hours
On the TiVO:
24: 6 hours - all duplicates of the DVR set (no, I don't know how it ends)
CSI: 3 episodes
CSI Miami: 4 episodes
Criminal Minds: 1 episode, waiting for the second half of the 2-parter, hoping we didn't miss it somehow.
House: 2 episodes
Numbers: 4 episodes (gotta love a show that romanticizes geekness)
The West Wing: 11 episodes (no, I don't know how it ends)
Movies:
Finding Neverland
The Cheyenne Social Club
The Motorcycle Diaries
In Good Company
Other:
a 2-hour Live concert special from Brussels, offered on the apparently defunct Trio network a long time ago.
Usually, there would be episodes of How I Met Your Mother for those quick dinner viewing ops, but we've seen them all already. We might also have Bones, but we gave up on some of the others that got too sappy.
Mostly, if I watch live TV at all, it's the Food Network. Or sports (basketball season is part of why there is so much TiVO backlog). I still hate the commercials, and sports event commercials more than any other.
Nah, I'm not an elitist. I love pulp and action films and all sorts of low brow stuff. It's just that TV annoys the shit out of me. I know there's some good stuff on there...but who has the time to wade through all the crap?
But, if you must watch it, make it fun. Take 24, for example. Every time Jack Bauer says "Dammit"
(you'll know it by the word's proximity to some sort of kick/punch/slap/chokehold/injection that is designed to make a reluctant terrorist/govt. agent/lover/turncoat/functionary talk /give up the code/give away the bomb location/divulge the chemical makeup of the neurotoxin/turn over his or her contact)
you must drink. I'd suggest using beer for this as you'll be on your ass quickly if you use anything else.
Al: 24 really might be the best-worst television show ever. I accidentally caught the end of the most recent episode. Very cheesy. I'm stunned I don't watch it. And, I really don't need an excuse to drink beer. Really.
Cap'n Ron: You need to balance out the meds, man. Balance. Life is about balance.
CAG: How does a starving PhD candidate afford luxuries like TiVO? What are they paying grad asssistants these days at the Big Orange Basketball Factory?
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