Pulling on Plastic

I was at the climbing gym the other night, upside down over a big black crash pad, climbing not vertically but horizontally, when I had the clarity of thought to realize, "This is utter bullshit. Nowhere in the world does climbing like this exist."

I'm dense, so these things take a while to occur to me.

It's not that I thought the gym would mimick Smith Rocks or anything, but this isn't even close to climbing. And these kids who come here every damn night (and bring their rather hot moms...thanks kids!) are in for some serious fear when they make their first trip to Squamish and realize that The Chief doesn't have handholds marked with red duct tape. Or heaven forbid they go somewhere like Joshua Tree, where there aren't even any holds.

Or bolts.

Across the way a guy with gear that looks like it was lifted from Buckley's van in 1982 is leading a climb that is loosely rated 5.9. There is a quickdraw ever 7 inches and a big bomber hold right at every one. I'm rooting for him to fall, and he doesn't disappoint me.

But this isn't a fall. He swings cleanly away from the roof and dangles three feet below his last clip. Poor fella. When he hollers down to his belayer about how scary the fall was, I laught out loud.

No. A scary fall is when you come off 20 feet above your last piece, and as you fall you remember that the piece was a tiny nut jammed in a little pocket. A scary fall is when you slip on a traverse and notice that the last piece is 15 feet behind you. A scary fall is a long alpine fall when you rip out the last two pieces you have set and end up below the belay ledge.

Let's look around again. No one is climbing on rope anymore. Everyone in the gym is bouldering. Two moves. Fall. One lunge. Fall. Three moves. Fall. Finish the route, jump to the padded floor. I see a problem here...

Scene: Leavenworth, Washington. Snow Creek Wall, 6th pitch of Outer Space (5.9+)

Climber: "Dude, this is hard."

Belayer: "I gotcha dude!"

Climber: "Where are all the bolts?"

Belayer: "I dunno, dude. Those guys ahead of us had all sorts of gear and stuff."

Climber: "Got me?"

Splat.

End Scene