Academics piss me off. It's a good thing I ain't one of them. Last night, after an iffy dinner and a decent local pale ale or three, DVB and I met some of his "colleagues" at a terrible hotel bar. Middle-Age Academic Woman #1 immediately launches into what sounds like it might be a flashback from her dissertation defense. It's not that I don't find deconstructionism of international conflict theory and domestic construction of terrorist threats interesting, it's that I don't want to fucking hear about it over my scotch.
It got fun when I kindly pointed out to MAAW#1 that she really wasn't accurately applying deconstructionist theory at all, but rather was taking a postmodernist approach. Her last defense against me was to ask me what my "field" was. Everyone here wants to know your field. "Writing and literature," I say. "I specialize in deconstructionist literary theory." Now shut up and drink your 7 dollar bottle of merlot.
MAAW#2, meanwhile, is arguing with DVB about the cultural symbolism in sports. She is quickly embarrassed by the extent to which both DVB and I have studied this phenomenon. "What's your field?" she asks me. Nice.
This morning I went to listen to a friend deliver a paper on Creating Intelligence Theory, which I didn't understand at all.
Then I did a nice easy 5 mile run with lots of hills. Somewhere around a 9:30 pace. Yesterday RPD says to me: listen to your feet.
Here's what my feet are saying: "Hey, dickhead, we can deal with the flats and the uphills, but if you keep pounding down this hill we're going to revolt and start cramping up on you and we won't fit in the climbing shoes next weekend."
I hear ya.
After an hour or so of reading Sarah Vowell's "Assassination Vacation" (brilliantly funny, by the way) it's time to start gearing up for some sort of evening out with the academics. There aren't enough martinis in the world...
5 comments:
In a somewhat related though different context, when asked what my field was, I simply said:
"I teach people how to construct their arguments to do the things you just said you wished they did"
:)
I am leaning toward just saying "plumbing".
I strongly suggest you follow my lead on this one (think of Al at the ICTL in JAX): wear inappropriate clothing and carry a paper bag with 10-12 Schlitz at all times. (Yes, Schlitz.) Here and there, drop an empty, hiccup, leer at young women, scratch your ass, burp, stumble, curse loudly, and fart in the elevator. Once in a while, when appropriate, mix in statements like "you, madam, are infatuated with the pomposity of your own wit...you gonna finish that?" I guarantee the estrogen depleted will leave you alone.
I knew there was a reason we haven't been invited back to the ICCTL.
I am sadly obliged to behave here, since DVB is a big hitter in this crowd. I have tremendous capacity to embarrass him.
Think of the possibilities! You could have big bro shaking in his boots, wondering what you'll do next. Where others see limitation, I see opportunity. Carpe diem!
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